TWO.

Dear Scotty J,


First thing each morning, you ask for a BIG cha-la milk and to watch Elf, Duke (Marmaduke) or "A Mouse" (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse). We pretend to put the chocolate syrup in your sip cup. You haven't caught on-yet.

You love jumping on the trampoline, putting your shoes on by yourself and swimming in the tub. When sister tubbies with you, you like to grab her kicking feet and dump water on her head.

With a little help, you can count to 20.

We all love the way you happily say "okay" no matter the question.

You have a few security blankets, but your favorite is your silky, red cape, that you appropriately named "Cape". When you're tired you rub it on your feet.

You like to eat grapes and hummus and oatmeal. You don't like green vegetables, but I blend them up and sneak them into your pasta sauce.

When you're too quiet, I can normally find you somewhere sitting quietly and reading, or coloring on the carpet with crayon.

Last weekend at the beach house we turned our heads for ONE SECOND, and found you sitting on the top mattress of the bunk bed. When I said "Scotty J!" you smiled and asked me to take your shoes off.

You still have a mimi, and that's OK, because it brings you comfort and you're only going to be a little boy for so long.

You call your sister "Baby".

When you sleep in bed with your Daddy, you make him wear you like a scarf.

You have lots and lots and lots of energy.

You still love to be held.

You are smart.

You are beautiful.

You are so, so loved.

Happy 2nd birthday sweet boy.

Love,
Mommy

ONE PAGE AT A TIME

My baby boy turns two this weekend.

It’s been two years since we made that drive to the hospital, excited and hopeful about diving into the next chapter of our lives as parents. Giving birth to Scotty J was the happiest moment of my life. Just thinking back to when he was first placed on my chest, wailing with his little frog legs tucked up beneath him and his dark head of hair all covered in gook, makes me well up inside. It’s been two years, but I still remember it like yesterday.

With all that’s been going on I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. I view my life in chapters. Chapter 1: Childhood. Then there was high school. College. The best summer of my life, spent at the beach living with 20 other girls -18 of them foreign- in a non-air-conditioned house with only three bathrooms and no kitchen. Cheerleading for the Ravens. The two years after school I spent living in Ocean City. The whirlwind trip to Europe, where I traveled 11 countries in a month- with complete strangers. The year I followed a boy to Virginia Beach, met an amazing mentor, and had my heart broken. My engagement and marriage to Scott. The two years we spent traveling and building a life together. My pregnancies and last two years as a Mamma. The here and now.

Change is constant. All the things we build our world around- our friendships, our health, our feelings, our career, etc.- has a shelf life. We grow, evolve, get caught in vicious cycles, accomplish new feats, make mistakes, fall down, get up... the point being, life goes on. Well, until it doesn’t, but if you think about it, the end of your story is more than likely making the pages of someone elses, and because you've influenced them, bits of you will be passed on and on and on. We are who we are because of everyone and everything that’s crossed our path up to this point in time, and to me, that’s really romantic.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve got a lot on my mind.

And my boy is turning two!

TWO!

My whole family is cracking the bindings of their life stories at fresh new chapters. We’ve got blank pages to fill. Like the start of the chapters I mentioned above, I can’t predict exactly where my story is going to go. And that’s scary and exhausting and exciting all at the same time. It’s not like one door has closed, and another one is opening. Life isn’t that cut and dry. I’m taking steps and plotting the course as I go, all the while cursing that there’s not a damn map to guide me through this. Not that I’d read it anyway. We’re all different, and we all live by our own set of rules. I don’t believe we all have a master plan, but I do believe we all have it within us to live full, meaningful lives.

What is certain is that the next few months are going to be an uphill climb for me. But, I’ve never been one to shy away from a little exercise. I’m doing my best to stay focused, keep an open mind, and above all else, listen to my gut. I’ve been ignoring it for way too long. For now, I’m focusing on one day – one page- at a time, and you better believe that when this next chapter comes to a close, I will celebrate with the sweetest glass of lemonade one can possibly squeeze out of these god awful lemons.

ENJOYING THE SMALL THINGS

LAST WEEKEND

Thanks for letting me play with your camera Brookie :)

5 MONTHS

READY OR NOT

We’re embarking on a new adventure. The timeline is not set and the details are still up in the air, but change is happening. Ready or not.

It’s not as easy to pump yourself up for change when it’s thrown at you unexpectedly. Despite all the chaos around me, I find myself frequently drifting off and focusing on small, insignificant things. The small and insignificant is keeping me afloat. Daydreaming eases me back into a world that’s not spinning out of control, and gives me hope that there are going to be new opportunities, and better times ahead.

The kids are OK. Actually, they’re more than OK. While there’s a lot of transition going on from day to day, they’re saturated in family and loving the attention. It takes an army to raise a child, and right now, I couldn’t ask for a more supportive army. My army KICKS ASS. They are the only reason I’m not crumpled in a heap under my desk right now, and for that I’m grateful.

WEEKEND AWAY.

Yesterday felt like a gift.

The weather was beautiful. I spent the morning outside with my babies.



Scotty J played with Uncle Kurt's toys from when he was a little boy.




I walked on the beach.




I laughed.



I cracked a bottle of wine, soaked in the tub and painted my nails.



I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability. About how we meet, connect, open up and share our lives with people that start out as strangers. I think about how our experiences are all by chance. Sliding doors. How our life is defined by our choices- even those we don't make.

I've been thinking a lot about identity. About confidence, and where it comes from.

I've been thinking a lot about me. My strengths and weaknesses. What makes me vulnerable. What inspires me. What I like to do. Who I like to surround myself with.

What are my best memories and what does that say about me?

Today it's quiet. My babies are asleep and I'm alone. I can feel the anxiety creeping in, but I know better than to supress it. I need to feel it. Put the emotions into words in my head, let them simmer then boil.

Then dump them out.